Chapter 407: Done Being The Victim

EliánI stare at the little specks of dust whirling and floating in the sunlight that’s streaming in through the window.

I watch them closely as they dance ghostly in the light, and a little smile touches my lips.

My head rolls back as memories upon memories wash over me.

I’m only 21 years old, yet I feel so... old. Tired and empty.

My mind travels past this world. Past beastmen and Alphas... My mind goes back home.

A bitter smile splits my face when I think of how much misery I have endured in my life compared to the joy. There’s so much pain, too much.

I never got love, and when I came here, and managed to get a bit of it... I always end up losing those who love me. Those who seem to care.

I either lose them to someone else... Or death.

I open my eyes as the heaviness in my heart grows. It’s so much now that it feels like it’s changed me. I think it has. In more ways than I like.

A few weeks ago, I would’ve been talking by now. Yapping nonstop.

I would’ve been asking questions nobody wanted to answer. Wondering aloud about random things.

Talking to my daughter, talking to Elien, talking to myself.

....Talking simply because silence made me uncomfortable.

Now?

Now, the silence feels deserved. Like a burden that something as ill-lucked as I am is meant to carry.

I stare out of the window beside me with my knees pulled slightly toward my chest.

The palace grounds stretch endlessly beneath the afternoon sun.

It’s beautiful. Peaceful...Alive.

Maids and guards walk through the lawn below. Children run between the trees and bushes.

...Someone is laughing. Someone is singing.

Life continues. It always does.

Even after someone just...disappears forever. Life continues.

My hand drifts slowly toward my stomach. Toward her. Toward the tiny life growing inside me. My bundle of joy, which has managed to keep me anchored over the past few days.

The warmth beneath my palm responds immediately. A tiny pulse. A cute little flicker. Almost like she’s saying hello.

My smile grows as I stare down at my bulging stomach under the white robe.

"You really like doing that, huh?" I whisper softly, and she answers me with yet another pulse.

I laugh quietly. A real, small laugh that eases my heart just a bit.

But just like always, the memory resurfaces.

Asa.

In my memory, she’s smiling. She’s laughing. Holding berries... Looking proud over something ridiculously small.

I remember Asa rolling her eyes whenever I said something stupid. I remember her teasing me.

...Protecting me, then dying.

My fingers grip the robe covering my stomach, and the warmth in my chest turns painful immediately.

I hate it.

God, I hate it so much.

No matter how many times I replay that night in my head... it always ends the same way.

It always ends with her dying and me standing there. Not knowing what to do.

A string of memories follows.

I remember Gravemaw. I remember Koda nearly dying. I remember Rhydian. I remember Zephan. I remember Queen Cassia... I remember them nearly dying for me.

It’s always me. I am always the helpless little burden everyone scrambles about and risks their lives to protect.

The door opens quietly behind me, but I don’t move an inch.

I don’t need to. I can always tell when my husband is around.

Except for his daughter kicking every time she senses him, his scent and aura always precede him. It always embraces me before his arms do.

His scent of Gravemaw. Of home... of rain... and honey. It comforts me, and causes my heart to ache at the same time.

For a little while, he just stands there, and I can feel his eyes on me.

Then the door closes.

Footsteps approach slowly... almost carefully. Like I’m a mirage that might fade if he rushes towards me.

"Elián." He calls softly, and I hum in response.

He pauses. Probably expecting me to say more.

Normally, I would. Normally, I would already be talking his ears off.

But I remain silent.

The silence stretches.

And I feel him slowly become uncomfortable.

Eventually, he walks closer and lowers himself onto the chair beside mine.

I can feel his eyes on me. Studying me. Trying to figure me out.

I don’t blame him.

Lately, I can barely figure myself out, too.

"How are you feeling?" he finally asks, and I nod slowly.

"Fine," I answer simply, and truthfully enough.

His brows immediately furrow. I don’t need to look at him to know that.

Because I know he hates short answers. Especially from me. But I’m not in the mood to talk, and if he could just understand that right now...

"You slept?"

"A little."

"Have you eaten?"

"Yes."

"Any pain?"

"No."

The silence returns after the awkward exchange, and this time it’s worse.

Because now, even I can feel how strange this is.

Koda shifts slightly in his seat. Then he shifts again... and again...

Like a man trying to sit comfortably on nails.

Eventually, I glance sideways at him, and his expression is exactly what I expected.

Confused, suspicious, concerned... and cute.

I smile at the thought, and then speak.

"You’re staring."

His eyes narrow at the words, and I watch him.

"You’re being weird." He points out, and I pause. Then I look back toward the window.

"That’s rude," I say flatly, and he exhales.

"I didn’t mean to be rude. I was just—"

"I know. I know what you were trying to do." I reply as I rest my cheek on my flexed knees, and he goes silent only for a few seconds. Then—

"Elián."

I sigh on hearing how he called me, because there it is.

That tone. The one that says he isn’t letting this go.

I hate to worry him, but unfortunately for both of us, I’m tired.

I’m too tired to act "normal". Too tired to pretend everything is okay... Because it isn’t.

Nothing is okay. Not really.

Koda studies me for several seconds before speaking again.

"You haven’t been yourself." He whispers, but I don’t respond.

I keep staring outside. At the palace grounds. At the people. At the lives continue without interruption. Without pause...

Maybe that’s what bothers me.

The world didn’t stop. Your whole world could crumble. The people you love with every cell, bone and muscle in your body could die today... and the world will keep moving.

The sun will still rise. People will still laugh. Children will still play. It will be your grief to carry alone, and if you do T carry it fast enough... you’ll be the one with a problem. You’d be the odd one.

Not them. Not the people who were busy laughing—unaffected as your life fell apart.

As though the person you lost never existed. As though they never mattered.

And that hurts like hell. Because she mattered. She mattered so much.

"You’re... being different." Koda continues, and I let out a breath.

"I know."

The words come out quieter than intended, and Koda goes still beside me.

The chair creaks softly, and then warmth touches my hand. A gentle touch at first, before it encloses my hand.

I look down and see that Koda has taken my hand in his.

His fingers slide between mine, holding on tightly. Steadily, like he always does.

Like he’s holding on to his whole world. The thought should comfort me.

Instead, it just makes my heart hurt more.

Because Asa held on too. And look where that got her.

For a long moment, he doesn’t say anything. Neither do I.

We just stare at each other. Each of us carrying our own storms, but sadly, I know I am a part of his.

Then, finally, he sighs.

"You’ve been thinking too much." He whispers, and I almost laugh.

Thinking too much?

If only it were that simple.

My eyes drop to our joined hands, and the calluses on his fingers catch my attention. They are... small reminders of countless hours he’s spent training. Fighting... Protecting.

Protecting me.

The realisation leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Elián." He calls, and I lift my gaze back to his eyes. Those kind, enchanting golden eyes.

I hum softly, and his thumb brushes over my knuckles.

"Talk to me." He pleads as he moves to sit right in front of me.

The concern in his voice is genuine. It always is. That’s part of the problem.

Everyone around me cares. Everyone around me sacrifices... Everyone around me bleeds.

And somehow, I’m always standing in the middle of it all.

I look away from him. Back out the window—at the sun sitting proudly in the sky.

"Do you ever get tired?" I question, and he leans closer.

"Tired of what?"

"Protecting people."

The question catches him off guard. I can tell. His brows pull together, his shoulders go tense, but still he answers without hesitation.

"No."

Of course, that’s his answer. Because he’s Koda.

I smile faintly as I look back at him. At his beautiful, beautiful face.

How could anyone be so good? So kind?

"You answered that fast," I whisper, and his expression hardens a bit.

"Because I don’t need to think about it." He says with a certainty that twists the knife in my chest harder.

"If it’s someone I care about, then no. I do not and can not get tired of protecting them." He adds, and my heart clenches.

Of course. Of course, that’s the answer he’ll give. It’s the answer Asa would’ve given too.

The answer Zephan would give. The answer Queen Cassia would give... The answer every person I’ve come to love would give.

And that’s exactly why I’m terrified.

Koda shifts closer. His breath warm against my skin.

"What’s this really about?" He probes, and I stare at the maids below.

At people living ordinary lives. People who aren’t constantly surrounded by death.

I envy them. Light, I envy them.

"I’m tired." I finally breathe.

The words leave my mouth quietly, and Koda immediately straightens.

"Tired?" He repeats, and I nod.

"I’m so tired," I add with the heaviness in my heart.

I’m not physically. This exhaustion isn’t even from pregnancy.

I’m just... tired.

Tired in a way sleep can’t fix. Tired in a way food can’t fix.

Tired in a way nothing seems capable of fixing....

Koda studies me carefully, and then Koda whispers. Like one would call something they fear they are losing and can’t hold on to.

"My love... speak to me. I’m listening." He pleads, and I shut my eyes.

"I’m tired of people dying for me." The words finally escape.

And once they’re out, I can’t take them back.

The room falls silent. Koda freezes completely, but I keep staring outside. Because I can’t look at him right now.

Not while I’m saying this. Not while the guilt is clawing its way out of my chest.

"I’m tired of everyone getting hurt because of me," I add, and I feel my throat go dry. I try to swallow through it, but it’s a struggle.

I continue anyway.

"Asa died protecting me. The witches wanted me... That... creature wanted me. Balinar also wants me..." I croak.

The lawn below becomes blurry. Not because I’m crying... But because I’m trying so hard not to.

"People keep getting hurt because they’re standing next to me." I break, and Koda finally moves.

His grip tightens.

"Elián—"

"No." I cut him off. "No, just listen."

Right now... I need him to listen. Not fix it. Not comfort me...Just listen.

I take a slow breath, and then another as I search for the strength to keep speaking.

"My entire life... people have been deciding what I can survive."

I laugh softly.

"They decide I’m fragile," I add as my free hand drifts toward my stomach.

"They decide I need protecting," I add with another bitter laugh.

"And maybe they’re right."

The admission hurts. Because sometimes I am fragile. Sometimes I am scared... Sometimes I do need help.

But still...

"Nobody ever asks who protects them," I add as I finally look at him.

I stare at the exhaustion lingering beneath his eyes. At the stress he’s trying so hard to hide... At the fear he’s carrying.

For me. For our daughter. For all of us...

"When was the last time someone protected you?" I ask him, and he freezes.

I see the confusion the question brings. The surprise... The discomfort. Because my Koda has never thought about it.

I don’t think he ever has.

Protecting people is as natural to him as breathing. He doesn’t stop to ask who protects him. He just keeps moving. Keeps fighting and sacrificing.

I hate that I hate it so much.

"I don’t need—" He tries to counter, but I’m not having it.

"Yes, you do." I cut him off, and his mouth closes.

I don’t let him interrupt. Not this time.

"You also need protection. You matter too." I scold, and his eyes widen slightly.

"Zephan matters. Queen Selthia matters. King Wilhelm matters... Queen Cassia matters. You. You all matter too." I croak as a tear escapes my eyes.

"Our daughter matters," I add, and Koda watches me silently.

For the first time since this conversation began... I finally see it.

Understanding. Not complete understanding. But enough to realise this isn’t just grief talking.

This is a decision. A choice. Something I’ve already made up my mind on.

"I’m done being the victim."

The words leave my mouth before I can stop them, and Koda goes still. Very still.

"What does that mean?" He proves, and I smile faintly.

"It means exactly what I said."

"Elián."

"I’m tired of being the person everyone sacrifices themselves for," I confess as my eyes drift to the palace grounds’ fence in the distance.

Toward the mountains beyond Nagari.Toward whatever future is waiting for us.

"This time... I want to protect everyone else." I whisper, and the silence that follows feels devastating.

Koda doesn’t answer immediately, and that lets me know that he’s thinking. Trying to understand what I’m not saying.

...Trying to find the parts of this conversation I’ve carefully hidden.

Smart Alpha.

Unfortunately for him... Even if he understands it... I’ve already made up my mind.

Eventually, he moves. He lifts his hand to cup my cheek, and I look back at him.

His touch is gentle. Always gentle.

"My little cub." He calls me, and I smile as I lean into his touch despite myself.

"I love you." He breathes.

The words are simple. Honest... Certain.

Yet they hurt. Because they remind me exactly what I have to lose.

"I know," I reply, and he gives a small, worried smile.

"No matter what happens... I’ll protect you." He adds, and my heart breaks at the beautiful, terrible promise.

The one everyone keeps making... The one I never want to hear again.

I lean forward, and before he can say anything else... Before he can promise more impossible things. I kiss him.

Softly. With all the love in my heart. When I pull away, he’s watching me. Confused, concerned, and suspicious.

I smile at him. A real smile this time.

"You won’t have to risk your life for me again., I promise him, and his entire body goes rigid.

"What does that mean?" He whispers in fear, and I shake my head in negation.

"Nothing."

"Elián—" He begins, and I squeeze his hand. Then release it.

"This time..." I begin as I look down at my stomach.

At our daughter... At the tiny life who has already changed everything.

Then I look back at him.

"I’ll be the one protecting everyone," I add, and before he can argue, I stand.

I walk toward the bed and climb beneath the blankets.

I then turn away from him.

I face the wall and close my eyes.

Ending the conversation.

The room remains silent, but I can feel Koda’s gaze on my back.

Uncomfortable and worried.

I keep my eyes closed. Pretending sleep comes easily. Pretending my heart isn’t breaking.

...Pretending I haven’t already begun saying goodbye to the life I have now.